


I Survived

by Mrgoodbar



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crying, Fear, Flashbacks?, I'm Sorry, M/M, Nightmares, Past Memories, Past Sexual Assult, Sad, Sadness, Scars
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-07 00:14:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11047287
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mrgoodbar/pseuds/Mrgoodbar
Summary: “Show me your scars,” he whispered. “Please.”“Why?” he asked quizzically. His breath halted; he didn’t want Steve to see.“I need to see how many times you needed me and I wasn’t there,” he whispered as tears rolled down his cheeks. “I need to see.” Bucky sighed internally. He couldn’t say no to Steve.Rape is only mentioned and is not graphic.





	I Survived

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, This is sad.
> 
> I cannot claim the three lines from the summary as my own writing, it was based on a prompt found [here](http://hipstaristahh.tumblr.com/post/73409792479/strictlyteen). 
> 
> Thanks for clicking. :)
> 
>  
> 
> **NOTE: Dang It! I'm so sorry. I realized after I published this that there is past rape, it's mentioned, no detail, and I'm sorry for anyone who read it before I remembered and put the warning on. Sorry!!**

_From every wound, there is a scar, and every scar tells a story. A story that says, I have survived._

 

They had been lying in bed. Steve was shirtless with boxers and Bucky, like every night, wore his usual long sleeves and pajama pants.

Bucky's head had rested comfortably on Steve's chest, listening to the rhythmic _bump bump_ of Steve’s heart since Bucky had been awoken after his latest nightmare, just moments ago.

He was dreaming of Hydra. He dreamed that Hydra came back and they had another super soldier, but this one was stronger, faster and smarter than himself and Steve.

They had been lying in their post-coitus bliss, and they didn’t stand a chance.

They were captured. He watched as Steve was tortured slowly, then killed. Steve’s heart was torn from his chest. His eyes wide open filled with fear, pain, and mouth in a silent ‘O’ an echo of a scream on his lips.

And Bucky couldn’t do anything. They had him tied down, muzzled. He couldn’t break free and he tried.

When he woke, tears were streaming down his face, his metal arm fisted the bed sheets so violently, he was worried that they’d rip and Steve’s precious blue eyes filled with agony above his.

Steve had taken control and calmed Bucky enough that his tears ceased. Steve had pulled Bucky to his chest and laid them down on the bed. Steve’s arms wound around Bucky, his hand running up and down the length of Bucky’s right arm.

It was a while later, forever ago maybe, Bucky thought when Steve broke the calm silence.  

“Show me your scars,” he whispered. “Please.”

“Why?” he asked quizzically. His breath halted; he didn’t want Steve to see.

“I need to see how many times you needed me and I wasn’t there,” he whispered as tears rolled down his cheeks. “I need to see.” Bucky sighed internally. He couldn’t say no to Steve.

Bucky slid off the bed with the grace that only he had. He moved to stand at the end of the bed.

Slowly, delicately, Bucky moved his hands to the front of his shirt to where the buttons were. Carefully as to not damage the shirt by his metal arm, he undid all the buttons.

To an onlooker, his movement might have seemed sensual in the way he slowly popped each button from its hole, but they both knew this was the farthest thing from that.

The atmosphere in the room was still but the time Bucky reached the last button.

The front of the shirt fell open when the last button was finally freed.  

Moving his right hand to his left shoulder, he gently pushed the fabric off his body.

The white shirt fell to the ground like a feather falling from a bird.

Steve’s eyes roamed the plains of his torso and the tears fell freely.

His skin was marred, completely torn up.

White scars ran the length of his torso. That’s when they wanted to see if they could enhance his organs so he wouldn’t need to eat as much.  

There was a big marring around the right side of his stomach that stretched across his front to the left side his back. That’s when they needed a punishment before he became the soldier. They’d strip him naked and spray him with a fireman’s hose. It peeled the skin off him like he was a satsuma.

Small, round puncture wounds covered most of his right forearm. That’s when they’d need more blood and they’d stab him with needles drawing pint after pint after pint of blood and take it away leaving him faint and dizzy.

Rings of scars that spun around his wrists, and ankles, from when they'd handcuff him to the floor or a wall. They were always too tight.

His left shoulder was the worst; the entire shoulder from his collar over his shoulder blade and under in armpit was filled with angry red scars that stood stark against his pale skin. The scars looked like torn skin that never properly healed right. They thought that his enhanced body could heal from it; The body did, but the skin never healed right. His body didn't like having metal basically implanted inside his skin.

It had been painful and it looked it.

Steve closed his eyes, trying in vain to stop more of the tears he knew would come.

It was when Bucky reached for his pants that Steve knew he wouldn’t be able to control his tears.

Bucky slowly pulled the pants down, and shimmied out of them. He didn’t take off his boxers, though.

It was almost as bad as his torso.

Unlike his torso though, there were no angry red scars. All of them here were white; None of his skin here was agitated.

But there were more here than on his torso and arms.

The scars cross-hatched his legs, almost like a drawing gone awry. Those ones had come from the guards who’d fuck him raw then wanted to mark him, proof almost. Like the blood mixed come under him wasn’t enough.

Knife cuts, stab wounds, gunshot wounds, burns…

Burns, also from guards, who thought he was a perfectly good place to put a cigar out. They only ever did that thought, when he was in the chair.

Steve reached his hand out, moving to the end of the bed, and got off. Bucky took the slightest step backward. Steve stopped, stayed still.

Bucky turned, lethargic, and showed his back.

Multiple long lines ran down his back. All right over his spine. It’s like they’d cut over scars and...

Bucky whispered then, “This was the worst. Besides the chair, this hurt most. They, huh, they had this bed, almost. I was told to lay down, with my back up. They would strap me in or down I guess, I couldn’t move and they’d start-” a small sob. “They’d start cutting. And it was so painful. They’d cut my back open and play with my spine. Twist it. I thought it’d break. I hoped it’d break and then I’d be paralyzed and maybe they’d finally kill me. It never happened,” he paused for a moment. “They wanted to see how long it’d take for me to heal.”

 _It felt like Hell,_ Bucky thought.

“Some of them, I don’t know where they came from. Those memories never came back. I’m not sure if I’m happy about that or not.”

Steve fell to the ground in a heap making a loud keening noise.

He could have helped him. If he looked, if he didn’t take the coward’s way out, he could have helped him.

He could have helped him.

Then, hands were on his face, wiping his tears away.

“Don’t cry, Stevie. It’s okay. They’re just proof that I survived. That I can survive. I’m still standing,” Bucky murmured.  

“But you shouldn’t have to survive. You should have lived,” Steve sobbed.

 

_These battle scars, don’t look like they’re fading..._

 

 

_Don’t look like they’re ever going away..._

 

 

_They ain't never gonna change…_

 

**Author's Note:**

> The quote at the beginning was said by Fr. Graig Scott. 
> 
> The three lines at the end are from beautiful song called ["Battle Scars"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mPd_SDAryQ) by Lupe Fiasco & Guy Sebastian. 
> 
> Satsuma is a really easy to peel citrus fruit, BTW. 
> 
> My [Tumblr](https://mrgoodbar11213.tumblr.com).


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